Recently I was talking to a good friend of mine about something amusing when I started laughing hysterically. For those who don’t know me, I laugh about 95 percent of my day. Before I knew it, I let out a loud, extremely unladylike snort.
Now, this would not have been a problem had we been alone, but unfortunately we were on a bus. With some guys a few seats away. Upon seeing their side-glances that burned holes of embarrassment into me, I turned to my friend and I said, “This is why I’m alone. No man wants a girl who snorts unless he’s Kermit the frog.”
She comforted me with these sweet words: “It’s okay, I’m alone too. I don’t have anyone to like better than I like you. We can be forever alone together.”
This got me thinking about that popular meme “forever alone” and how ironic it was that my friend and I were declaring that we’ll be forever alone – together. And she’s not the first friend I’ve had this conversation with, either. It’s like we’re blind to the beautiful people around us because we’re not getting laid regularly.
So I started analyzing my life and I decided I am not “forever alone.” In fact, I’m quit the opposite. My friends are really all I need – other than the occasional pump of course. But my friends fulfill me in ways that can’t even be reached by a dick.
Take my gays for example. Where else can I find a man who will be painfully honest with me while making it sound exactly what I want to hear? Straight guys try to bullshit you all the time. No straight man would be caught dead in Victoria’s Secret with me, they just want to see the catalog that shows up on the doorstep after. Heterosexual guys are usually uncomfortable with the thought of dancing anywhere, let alone a neon club blasting Gaga. The guys I’ve slept with pass out when I’m at my giddiest, whereas my gays stay up with me all night to cuddle and talk.
I can’t forget my girls. They’ve stuck with me through thick and thin. Always comforting me when relationships turn sour. They talk me out of doing stupid things, but let me get flirtatious at clubs. We shop and talk and color. Sometimes we bake cookies and watch scary movies. They’re the ones I can tell everything – even more than my closest guy friends.
All these experiences with the ones I truly love are much more fulfilling than an orgasm – usually at least. And the people I share these times with are much more quality than are random. They accept me for me – snorts and all.
So I don’t need a penis to make me happy and neither do you, although I know it feels that way sometimes. If you ever experience a “forever alone” moment in a movie theater by yourself or making a fool of yourself in a public place, try not to forget the people you’ll laugh (snort) about it with later. Then you can be “forever alone” together.