Rage Mail / Things Gay Men Like #5: Online Dating

Before I start today’s TGML, I am proud to say that the time has come for me to present you with my first hate mail! I received this email a few days ago directly to my kent.edu account, which means that the hate mailer either did his/her research or he/she knows me… In any case, I’ve pissed someone off with my antics, which entertains me to no end.

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Name: Anonymous
Subject: Things Gay Men Like?
Message: I know your encouraging hate mail but I just wanted to say that your blog is really stupid and that you cant possibly know what all gay men like because your not all gay men and dont know all gay men and that your enforcing negative gay stereotypes that make the gay community look bad you even admit it!!! You should be ashamed of yourself and I hope you see the error of your ways and discontinue youre blog Fuson deserves better!!!!!!!

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Whoa, whoa, whoa. Anonymous, someone needs to breathe! I’m out of breath after reading that and I didn’t even read it aloud. Run-ons are a dangerous thing. Come to think of it, that might be how Jesus actually died. Not Jesus Christ, Jesus Gutierrez, that guy who sells bootleg moleskines behind WalMart. What do you have against punctuation besides excessive use of the exclamation point? My good friends Comma and Period are here and they’re seriously offended.

Now, I would try to take your message seriously but I already think you’re stupid. Commas and periods won’t bite you, I promise. And what the hell is with you swapping your usage of “you’re” and “your”? I’m assuming that you’re college educated, which is really a shame. You’ve clearly wasted your money, since you’ll inevitably end up working at a convenience store that’s constantly out of fresh coffee, mainly because you can’t figure out how to brew French roast. Now, since you apparently lack the ability to detect sarcasm and are completely oblivious of the joke this blog perpetuates, you should realize that I think I’m right about everything and that my blog is not at all tongue-in-cheek. Also, the running joke of this blog is not slapping you in the face like the giant, flaccid dick of the God of Comedy at all. Nope, no comedy dicks repeatedly slapping you in the face.

I trust that you have no idea what I’m talking about at this point? Yeah, that’s because the comedy dick has beaten you senseless.

All gay men like everything I will ever post on this blog and if you’re gay and don’t like what I’ve posted you’re not gay enough. I’m sorry if you don’t get it, but that just means that I’m smarter than you.

Now please leave me alone, I have things to do, like my next blog for Fooz On.

 

Now, on to

Things Gay Men Like #5: Online Dating

Gay men love online dating. It gives us the rare experience to see and e-stalk a guy before we flirt with him. In some ways this is bad, because I’m the kind of guy who will hit “reject” on any man who lists the Twilight Saga as his favorite novels, but in some cases you can find a guy who’s just your type and shares all of your interests before you grab that cup of coffee in a populated, well-lit cafe. It’s sort of like skipping the first date, which, as we all know, is always nerve-wracking. First dates are like interviews, and in some cases I feel like the interviewer. With websites like OkCupid you get the chance to see a résumé first.

I don’t want to waste time on a date with a guy who ends up being a right-wing, self-hating, “I wish I could change but I want to get some action” gay.

I think that online dating isn't going well for this guy... Sadface 🙁

Now, this all doesn’t go to say that online dating is perfect. It’s really, really not. You know that cute 25 year old guy with the glistening abs in his profile pic? Yeah, that picture wasn’t him. He’s actually the middle-aged furry in the background. The young gentleman with the washboard abs? That’s his nephew. Even worse is the guy who finds you cute then changes all of his opinions to make it seem like you’re a better match with him than you really are. I’ve had this happen to me before and not realized until I was on the date that he was an abortion-opposing, religious, right-wing nutjob who thought that he could one day be cured of homosexuality. Yeah. There’s a real winner.

So boys, be careful out their on your manhunt, OkCupid, Grindr, Scruff, and other dating sites. It’s a jungle out there. Scratch that, I wish it was a jungle, then there would be more bears for me. I think that this would be a perfect time for me to produce a guttural “woof”, but I just can’t bring myself to do that in a non-joking sense.

 

Come back next time when, like, fugly bitches come to light. Is this blog too gay to function? You’ll find out.

 

Note: Just after I finished this blog the “anonymous” user sent me an email simply stating, “WTF GAY DUDES DONT LIKE BOOOOOOBS”. This time, however, he forgot to detach his signature from the mail.

Hi there, Jason Chambers. Feeling stupid? You probably should be if you’re not already.

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