Epic Retail Failure

Ahh Hollister Company, the store sprinkled in malls all across the nation, so that middle schoolers and twenty year old men who still can’t seem to find anything tighter to show off their mad muscles, can look…”Californian” and stuff. This store has always raised a lot of concern in my opinion. I mean, don’t get me wrong I used to shop there too when I was twelve, but now that I’m older and so much more sophisticated I can see how truly deranged and creepy it is. So dearest Hollister Co. there’s some things I’d like to address…

 

This is what Hollister does on a daily basis. -Image courtesy of Daino_16

1. Why the hell is it so dark in your store? I mean what are you trying to hide? Do you have dead alien bodies shoved in closets in the back room, or are your clothes really that shitty, that turning the lights up a bit will actually risk cutting your sales quota?

2. Leaving half naked mannequins in front of the opening of your store is super creepy and awkward and you need to stop doing it. Like it’s an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved..even the mannequins.

3. None of your perfume smells good. At all.

4. The Creeper vision window of Huntington Beach has got to go. I understand that you’re trying to give people the Californian Experience and stuff, but twenty-four hour coverage of un-suspecting beach goers, is unnecessary. You are not making anyone feel like they are in California. Everyone in that store is aware that they are in a mall in the middle of Ohio and that it is twenty degrees outside. If you want them to feel like they’re in California you should just buy them a plane ticket and actually send them there. But creeping on innocent people at Huntington Beach is not the trick. Actually if you want people to feel like they’re actually in California you can start by turning on the lights. Because California, believe it or not, is known for being warm and SUNNY, you know THE SUN, that thing that produces LIGHT. Ground-breaking concept, I know. I’m so proud of myself just for thinking of it. No need to thank me or send me royalties.

5. The fact that you call a tank-top marked down to thirty dollars a “sale” is insulting.

6. The Men’s shirts with the fuzzy carpet block lettering that says “Hollister” or “HCO” across it. WHY?! Carpet is meant for your floor, not clothes.

7. Also, no one wants to buy your stupid ripped up jeans for ninety dollars. What? You’re selling me clothing that you’ve worn in for me? Oh gee thanks, normally I throw away jeans when they get to that point but you’ve already done me the pleasure of actually wearing them. Why don’t you just start selling whole pairs of jeans and package them with a pair of scissors? It’s pretty much the same thing.

8. Referring to your Sales Associates as “Models” does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a cocky douche bag.

So in conclusion here, Hollister, you are not cool. You wish you were cool. Somehow, someway you have convinced an entire generation that you’re store is worthy of coming back to, even if shopping there does potentially put them at a greater risk for cataracts. Congratulations to your marketing team, because that’s the only thing holding you together right now.

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