Things Gay Men Like #7: Lesbians

While it has not always been true in our history, we gay men love our lesbians almost as much as we love our hags. Our lesbians go to Pride marches with us, in darker days of youth pretend to be our girlfriends when we visit home for the holidays, go shopping with us and tell us how unnecessary that jockstrap is… yes, lesbians are there for us gays, but it wasn’t always this way.

In the infancy of the gay rights movements gay men and lesbians didn’t see eye to eye, exactly. Sexism was still quite prominent and many gay men saw lesbians as little more than rebellious housewives, which made lesbians angry (and as we all know lesbians rarely get angry*1).

Things have changed, however, and we have learned not only coexist, but to love and respect lesbians. I mean, how could we not? Not only do lesbians have the most feared of all orifices, the dreaded vagina, but they actually enjoy recreational activities with them. I have to imagine that every interaction with a vagina looks something like this*2:

If I had a vagina I would refer to it as the Pit of Carkoon.

 

But fear of vaginas isn’t the only reason that gay men like lesbians. Lesbians are tough. Lesbians are fierce*3. Lesbians can do things that we can’t, like push human babies out of their genitals.

The idea of pushing an infant out of my body? Terrifying. Yet one more reason to respect and fear the lesbians. For many gay men, lesbians provide a voice of reason*4. Simply put, lesbians are awesome, death-defying individuals who keep us gay men safe at gay pride parades with their powerful fists of fury and their vaginas of dentata*5.

Lesbians are the yin to our gay man yang. The peanut butter to our bananas. The jelly to our donuts*6. Lesbians balance us out. Every so often lesbians will drag us to the Home Depot, but we’ll hit back with brunch and mimosas. It all works out nicely. While we may occasionally cringe at your fashion sense*7, we need you in our world.

Lesbians: I appreciate you.

 

Footnotes:

1. lol
2. May be an inaccurate representation of vaginas, but probably not.
3. Fierce like a tiger or a bear*1, not like a homo.
4. Being so near deadly vaginas on a daily basis has a direct effect on how one views the world.
5. Vaginas have teeth, it’s true. Read the Bible.
6. Unintentionally sexual, I assure you.
7. Seriously, plaid button down shirts and acid-washed jeans? Where did you come from, a farm in the 70’s?

Footnotes Footnotes

1. By bear I don’t mean a hairy gay man, but more like a terrifying cougar*1.

Footnotes Footnotes Footnotes

1. By cougar I mean a jungle cat, not the middle-aged women who prey upon young men.

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