Things Gay Men Like #9: Drag Queens (but making sure everyone on earth knows that they’re not “that kind” of gay guy)
There comes a time in every young gay man’s life when he has to break free from internalized homophobia and shout to the world, “Femme is okay, and Imma go to a drag show!!!” And you know what? Most young gay men come to find that drag shows are pretty fun to watch. There’s the performance aspect, and whether the drag queens are superb or shitty it’s still fun to watch, the latter for a slightly different reason, but I digress. Some gay men even love giving the queens tips in sexy ways, such as putting the dollar bill in their teeth1, or even sticking it through their zipper2.
Yes, we gays love our drag queens. Even even better when we get to expose our naive hags3 to the scene. The problem is that bringing hags to a drag show brings us to an inevitable conversation. It tends to go something like this:
Hag: Oh em gee, that show was totes fun! Why don’t YOU perform?
Fag: *awkward silence*
Hag: No, seriously, you would be GREAT at being a drag queen.
Fag: That’s not really my thing.
Hag: Why NOT?!
Fag: Drag shows are fun to watch but I don’t want to perform.
Hag: But you’d be awesome!
Fag: I’m just not that kind of gay man.
AAAAAAND, queue up dirty looks from the drag queen getting a cosmo at the bar. While most gay men I know love drag queens they hate the idea of being one. For me it’s because I’m not high maintenance enough to even bother putting on that much makeup, and I definitely have doubts about my ability to pull off a drag costume with my, erm… physique. Not to mention4, being a drag queen is fucking EXPENSIVE. The thing is, I AM the kind of gay who would dress in drag for fun. In fact, I’ve dressed in drag for transgender equality in the past, so it’s not like I detest the idea of adorning women’s clothing. Undeniably, however, I don’t have the moves to be a Queen.
I am the exception to the rule though. Many gay men simply detest the idea of being a drag queen, even though they enjoy going to shows and throwing ones at the queens. They’re just not that kind of gay, right?
Seriously though, what the hell is with gay men having to qualify things this way? It’s not just regarding drag queens, it’s with everything. I recently asked a friend of mine if he liked Glee and he responded, “I’m not that kind of gay.” Seriously, what the fuck does that even mean? You’re not that kind of gay? What is that kind of gay? Personally I like to be the kind of gay who doesn’t discredit something because of something as stupid as it being “too gay”.
If you have ever used this as an excuse for anything, go fuck yourself. Seriously. Go home, draw a bath, light some lavender-scented candles, dim the lights, put on some sexy music5, add some bubble bath to the warm water, sprinkle the top with red rose petals, pour yourself a stout glass of your favorite champagne, and FUCK YOURSELF.
That is all.
Footnotes:1. Which is completely disgusting, by the way. Do you have any idea how fucking dirty money is? Ick. 2. Sexy, if your penis is flat and green. 3. This describes ALL hags at first. 4. Except that I mentioned it anyway. I’m such a crafty fucker. 5. Something sexy, like Dubstep.