This one is for the gays, the girls and even the one straight dude who reads my blog. You can come out of the closet now.

I’m making an announcement this week that applies to everyone, whether you’re single, talking, dating, talking about dating but still fucking, or you’ve made it “Facebook Official.” If you’re committed, though, then you’ve obviously figured out relational success beyond my wildest dreams. Xanga kudos to you, friend!

Take advantage of my humanitarian gesture to make this post all-inclusive, and for (theorized) Christ’s sake, think about what I’m saying.

For as long as I can remember (or kept myself from dozing out in History class) people have been constantly throwing themselves at the feet of their lovers in hopes for mutual affection. Think about it; our culture’s most popular songs today and all the way through the early 1900s and back are about the search, forgiveness and conquest for a healthy relationship with Mr. or Mrs. Right. Our most popular literature either centralizes a forbidden or troubled romance as the main or supporting plot line. I’m thinking about the classics like Pride and Prejudice, A Tale of Two Cities, Les Miserables, The Great Gatsby and, of course, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea.

Speaking of which, why are book titles so long today? But I guess that’s beside the point.

One of the most famous love stories in history, Romeo and Juliet, showcases an unhealthy, forbidden relationship that ends with death and suicide. No wonder we’re so fucked up. But Romeo and Juliet had one romantic element that most of the “relationships” I see today do not: authentic, mutual attraction.

So here it is, folks: When someone tells you that they’re not interested in anything beyond sex, take the comment at face value and don’t over analyze anything. I know—the girls just let out the most condescending gasp not even a sassy gay can muster. I get it. We like to over analyze. BUT DON’T. If the relationship just so happens to evolve into something more than sex, then fine. If it doesn’t, well, you were warned, weren’t you?

My lovely friend Jayne (over at dreamsinwhich.wordpress.com) would say it like this, “Don’t over analyze anything—even if he makes you the most scrumptious green bean casserole. It means nothing more than he was cooking and you just happened to be there.”

Props to Jayne, though, for finding a man who cooks a mean green bean casserole!

We all know a friend or a friend of a friend who keeps crawling back to the same person because they want a relationship, but

the other person doesn’t. The other person gives them almost everything they need (great sex and good conversation) to pretend it’s a functional set up, so they automatically justify the abrasive behavior. If this is your friend, give them some real talk and snap them the fuck out of it! And if this is you, then count these words as a slap in the face.

You needed that.

Look, even your hypothetical, product-of-a-dysfunctional-relationship- love child is slapping you –>

I’m not innocent of these feelings though. I’ve totally been there. I once kept asking a guy to come over two, three times a week just to get my rocks off and talk about pop culture, books and our favorite TV shows. I thought: this is perfect. We’re both getting everything we want out of a fake relationship. But really all I got was another attractive, sassy gay friend. Which, by the way, you can never have too many of. They make for great buffers at the bar.

Anyway, I know it’s hard to pluck yourself from an unhealthy relationship. You like the attention. You even like the heartache. I had a friend tell me recently that she is staying Facebook friends with a boy who broke her heart just to see the day when his relationship status shifts from “single” to “in a relationship.” That way she can have an excuse to buy ice cream, listen to sad country music and be depressed.

I almost slapped her, but instead I told her she’s tragic. I don’t know why, but I really like the word “tragic” lately. Romeo and Juliet? Tragic. Bad date? Tragic. Bad hair day? Tragic. Just gained five pounds from the pizza and cake you just devoured? That sounds SO good, but find a treadmill because that’s … tragic!

Listen, I understand that we all have a relational vice. And for most of us, it’s the guy or girl who won’t commit, so we settle for less than we actually want and convince ourselves it’s actually what we do want. Just snap out of it. It’s not what you want, and you can’t force yourself to have relational happiness. That’s just silly.

Have your own thoughts on the issue? I’d love to hear from you in the comments section!