Fierce Against Fear

Fears like these take some special counseling.

SO MUCH TERROR! Photo Illustration by Emma Borrelli

First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, the most famous under-wraps lesbian, once said to do something each day that scares the shit out of you. Well, not really, but people do need to overcome fears. The following list is every fear shared among the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community. Don’t try to dispute my advice.

The inevitable death of Cher and Barbara Streisand – Look, everyone dies. But at least your CD collection is complete. Neither of these lovely ladies had much of a career since the ‘80s. Plus, thanks to YouTube, they’ll live on forever, right?

Hard liquor and beer – If it doesn’t have a mini umbrella in it, it’s not worth your time, huh? I guess cocktails are nice for the beginning of the night, but if you haven’t finished off the outing with a couple beers, it’s not a real bar crawl.

Growing old – If you take care of yourself and lay off the appletinis every so often, you should still be that gleaming 106-pound frame in 60 years. Who knows, maybe you’ll even keep that 15-year-old glow, too.

Being too gay – This isn’t possible. Nevertheless, everyone goes through that obnoxious newly out-of-the-closet phase, and we’ll forgive you.

Not being gay enough – This isn’t possible either. Wait — are your shoes made of foam? OK, maybe it is possible.

Vagina – You wouldn’t be here without one, so lay off a bit, OK? If you don’t have to deal with it, just think of it as a mysterious black hole. Unless that’s what you already thought it was. Then I understand your fear.

People who make sweeping generalizations of a community – Kind of like what I’m doing now. Haha.

Glitter going out of style – Don’t worry, a small splash of glitter is always a fun way to doll yourself up for a night out — just don’t go overboard. If you’re going through a tub of glitter a week, we have a problem. I still have mine from middle school.

Fish – It’s a versatile protein, but definitely not for everyone.

Boob pads falling out – It’s a legitimate fear for women everywhere. So whether they’re real or fake, let’s try not to let our nipples show tonight — It’s embarrassing for everyone around.

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