Fifteen Reasons Gay Marriage Will Cause the Apocolypse

No, Fred Phelps didn't write this piece.
Is that gay Satan carrying a rainbow flag, riding a T-Rex, while marrying a gay couple as a harness-clad Nazi rides a velociraptor? No, no. It couldn't be. Illustration by Jim Lightcap.

1.     As everyone knows, homosexuality is akin to pedophilia, which is akin to polygamy, which is akin to bestiality, which is akin to rape, which is akin to murder, which is akin to treason! Is it any wonder that a gay soldier leaked the WikiLeaks documents?

2.     Gay marriage will result in gay children who will also get gay married! Then those gay married gay babies will have more gay babies, who will have more gay babies, until there are no more heterosexuals left on Earth.

3.     Homosexuality is unnatural, so letting two gay people get married is DOUBLE UNNATURAL.

4.     They’ll put decorative towels on everything. You won’t even be able to dry your hands on them!

5.     Did you ever see the movie “2012” with John Cusack? If gay marriage is legalized, you’ll be forced to watch that movie.

6.     Our God is an all-loving god, so it should come as no surprise that he HATES fags! Gay marriage will cause all rivers on Earth to run red with blood and white with semen. And pink with bloody semen.

7.     Gay marriage will result in more gay orgasms, which will cause all active and inactive volcanoes on Earth to simultaneously erupt, which will likely kill everything everywhere.

8.     Few people know that gays and atheists joined forces in the late 1600s to fabricate dinosaur bones. If gay marriage is legalized, these imaginary creatures will come to life and crave the flesh of straight people.

9.     Gay Nazis will ride upon velociraptors, wreaking havoc and eating regular babies—but not gay babies!

10.  Gays will overthrow the government and elect Lady Gaga as president/goddess of the Universe. She’ll bedazzle EVERYTHING.


11.  If gays can get married, glitter will become an airborne virus.

12.  Gay marriage will cheapen your straight marriage! Kim Kardashian’s marriage will mean nothing anymore!

13.  Gays will pump cologne body spray into the air. Everything will smell like an Abercrombie store!

14.  Women will be bred like cattle and force fed hormones to make more gays! Don’t believe me? It’s in the Bible! Well, it might not be, but I heard it from a guy holding a Bible outside of Denny’s.

15.  All children’s fairy tales will be retold, but gay! Rumpleforeskin, Alice in Bonerland, Little Red Riding Wood, Snow White and the Bukkake Session, The Tortoise and the Hairy Ball Sack, The Ugly Dickling, Pinocchio, Fruity and the Beast and Jackin’ off the Bean Stock. The horror!

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