He writes: “Hey man, whatcha lookin for?”

I say: “Oh haaaiiii girl!”

Oh look, he’s gone.

Why? Because he’s just a closeted “straight” torso trolling for gay sex.

Mission accomplished.

In my last post, I briefly wrote about Grindr, a new social media app in the gay community that’s exploding with popularity. Andy Cohen even mentioned the app in his live show Monday night on Bravo, when he asked Brandi of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills what she thought of Camille’s picture of her boyfriend’s torso that Camille showed on the season finale.

(I really wanted to find the photo for you guys, but that bitch did a fantastic job to keep it off the internet!)

Cohen said, “It almost looks like a Grindr photo or something!” Lisa, also sitting in on the show, just giggled and looked like she had no idea what the hell Cohen was talking about. Typical Lisa. Then of course Brandi’s eyes sparked up, while she grew an imaginary 7- inch boner, which we all know is the perfect size, right? Anyway, I’m rabbit trailing.

I can see the Grindr marketing team jizzing their pants right now, though. The app that continually shuts down and “sends a report to the Grindr team” and promotes what I like to call a creepy-as-shit GPS locater (which I’ve conveniently disabled) is reaching new levels of popularity! Yay! …yay?

Well, yay for the gays who’ve always dreamed of banging a straight dude with no strings attached. Sluts.

Because guess what? These closeted “straight” guys are flocking to Grindr to find any kind of man ass they can get their hands on, while of course staying “discreet.” Gag me… and not in the way I’d like.

These guys are recognized most notably by their torso-only default photos (watch out, Camille!) and their wit-less headlines. I have to admit the photos are sometimes worth a second glance, but everybody knows gay men can come up with something much more creative than “NSA-discreet” or “hot guy looking” for a headline.

So why do these guys, who most often have a girlfriend on the side, come to Grindr where the only options are different varieties of penis? Glad you asked. He’s not looking for a date, he’s not looking to romance another guy, and he’s certainly not looking for a boyfriend or long- term relationship. He’s simply looking to hit it and quit it, or for what some refer to as “man vagina.”

It’s one thing for the gays to fantasize about messing around with a hot, straight guy, but it almost becomes surreal when these guys are suddenly one digital tap away from making the phrase “I’d tap that” become a physical reality.

A friend of mine, who wishes to remain anonymous (lame), summed it up pretty well when he told me,

“I think guys who are really in the closet try to hide it as much as possible, but it always comes out when you can’t come over because of their “Roommate” Jennifer, when you know they live in a studio.” He continued,

“I’ve had, ‘hey–ever wanted to blow a straight guy…now’s your chance.’ I think it’s less attractive, these straight looking gay guys who are trying to capitalize on the fact that gay guys ‘fetishize’ fucking a straight guy.”

But he’s not the only one getting these kinds of messages.

“Just the other day, I had a floating torso message me,” said Grindr user Joe M., “I knew it would be a straight dude looking for action. That’s all they fucking do on there!”

I asked, “so it seems our straight counterparts are becoming the horny gays on Grindr?”

Joe M. replies, “uh, duh! I mean I’m all about hooking up when I want to, but don’t come after me with a girl on the side. That’s rude … and just… weird.”

Though I think there are plenty of horny openly gay dudes on Grindr, too, girls, you might want to check out the app and see if your boyfriend is as straight as you think. Just don’t start flirting with the gays. We all know how that ends … “shopping, betch?” And gays, just be fucking careful! No need to have a catfight with a girl who could easily be your best hag – she does have a gay boyfriend, after all.

What do you think? Have any juicy stories of your own about Grindr or any other online dating site or app? Start or join the conversation in the comments section!