Things Gay Men Like #2: Penises

Gay men like penis. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that this is true.

Okay, this week’s post is indisputable. I can hear the counter-argument in my head because I tend to argue with myself constantly. “But Greg, all gay men aren’t the same. How could you come up with anything beyond doubt?” Good question, brain! Well, this week’s topic is:

#2. Penises

Is there candy in there?

Yeah. Let’s get this one out of the way early. Gay men like other men’s penises. It’s a simple fact. Some like them big, some gay men even like them small. Fact is, all gay men love some penis. Maybe this is all too obvious. Perhaps I should have gone with something classier, per the request of a particularly offended and bitter homo who wrote a scathing review of Fusion for KentWired. Less dicks, more Sondheim!  Or, and this is just a suggestion, easily offended homos could go fuck themselves up their uptight anuses. Just a thought.

For those who don’t know, the penis is the male reproductive organ1. Generally speaking, it’s awesome2. Some lesbians may not understand the fascination, but all men3, regardless of sexuality, love penis in some way. Straight men love their own penises. In fact, a straight guy could have a two-inch erect member with a 90 degree diagonal curvature and he’d still be proud of his penis4. Gay men, on the other hand, are both proud of their penises and OTHER men’s penises. It’s the one thing that we all have in common. If you think you’re gay but don’t like penis, you’re simply not gay5. Dispute that, fuckers!

On a scale of one to ten, all seven gay men I randomly surveyed said that penis receives a ten. I didn’t even specify what the scale was representing, but the result was clear6. Gay dudes love penis.

I don’t actually have much else to say on this topic, so I’ll just list off a bunch of different slang terms for penis that I enjoyed.

Dick, cock, wiener, pecker, boner, tallywacker, blue-veined custard chucker, one-eyed wiggling Welshman, member, tool, package, unit, prick, schlong, wankie, dong, wang, ding a ling, ding dong, long dong, éclair, pork sword, tube steak, meat Popsicle, bologna pony, sausage, magic wand, magic mushroom tip, love muscle, love shaft, baby maker, knob, joystick, Johnson, trouser snake, anaconda, one eyed snake, purple headed cobra, and, my personal favorite, Princess Sofia.

This totally mature and refined blog post was brought to you by the letter P. Which stands for penis7.


Tune in next week when the topic gets squishy. Are you titillated?



1. I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that this is true.
2. Also true.
3. Especially the Pope.
4. It’s just quirky!
5. According to extensive research by Alfred A. Kinsey.
6. Statistics in this blog post may be entirely fabricated. I don’t know, I’m not a statistician.
7. This fact is still being debated amongst linguists and scientists.

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