There may be some dispute at this week’s topic, but given the compelling results of a study that I implemented with my eyeballs at a local gay bar recently, I am 100% sure that I am right and anybody who disagrees with me is wrong. Take that, statisticians.

Don’t believe me? My fourth installment of Things Gay Men Like is:

#4. Brightly Colored Cocktails

To clarify, the color of the drink isn’t entirely important, but it’s an influence. Regardless, gay men love fruity cocktails. I’m talking cosmos, sex on the beach, kamikazes, fuzzy navel (or hairy navel for you bears out there who like it extra strong, woof), Red Russian, Hypnotini (which is subpar on taste but fucking beautiful), mojitos, margaritas, daiquiris, pina colada (insert “coconut cream” joke here), Bahama mamas, lucky leprechauns, etc etc etc. The binding factor in all of these drinks? They’re delicious and super gay.

It’s a simple fact; gay men like fruity drinks.

But why?

Why do gay men like fruity drinks? Aside from the fact that they’re delicious and can get one drunk with minimal alcohol burn, what reason could there possibly be for the overwhelming number of gay men who partake? Yes, I know that some straight men drink the ritas and tinis as well, and that’s something that informs my take on this most important of issues.

Before the answer of why can be answered, one must ask other questions. Why do straight men avoid fruity drinks? Because their friends will make fun of them for drinking “girly” drinks. Why is it bad for a straight man to be girly? Because society teaches men from a young age that women are inferior, and being woman-like is something to be ashamed of.

You weren’t expecting a sociological argument on this, were you? I’m one thoughtful fucker.

Gay men often don’t feel the need to bind themselves to masculine stereotypes, such as watching boring sports on television, repressing their emotions, and having intimate physical contact with vaginas. Gay men don’t care if their behaviors and interests are considered girly or “gay” because, well… they’re already gay, who cares?

It’s the same thing with fruity drinks. Gay men drink them because they’re tasty, and to hell with the stupid stereotype about them being for women. A lot of gay men don’t care if people think that they’re girlie because they don’t see women as being inferior to men. Fruity drinks are for everyone, and more power to the straight man who has the balls to stand up and drink his cosmo around his beer-drinking friends, never letting peer pressure convince him that Natty Light is brewed from things other than moose piss and pork sweat.

I’ll admit, I’ve been known to use my sexuality as justification for my tastes when I’m with my straight guy friends. It’s just the easiest way to make them shut the fuck up about it. I am not ashamed to say that I like to watch Project Runway with a cosmopolitan in my hand! I’ll take a bubble bath with an appletini! I am man! I AM GAY! Hear me rahr.

Come back next time when I talk about some digital fraternization.