I don’t really have anything to talk about today so I’m going to rant about Kesha.

To put it as simply as possible, Kesha sucks. I’m usually not terribly critical of music because I can tend to understand why people like something if it’s catchy or whatever, but Kesha is the musical equivalent of a puppy shitting on your couch. I don’t have an explanation for that, but I’m sure that I could make sense of it if I cared to.

I refuse to spell her stage name with that goofy dollar sign because “$” doesn’t equal “S”. Never, ever. How much of a raging douchebag do you have to be to spell your name with symbols? That’s really stupid… so stupid. It’s a whole new class of stupid. I think they call it “leet”.

Tik motherfucking Tok. Kesha doesn’t even sing; she sing-talks. It’s almost like rapping, if rapping had been invented by inebriated muppet babies. Seriously, who did Kesha orally service to get a record contract? I can’t imagine that it would have been all that exciting considering that her lips are covered in glitter all the time. That shit doesn’t come off. You think that crabs are nasty? Try getting rid of glitter. Not that I have any experience with pubic lice, but I think I’d rather get that than glitter.

There is no way that she got a record deal simply off of her musical talent because she doesn’t have any.

She always looks hammered and ready to take a raw pounding from the DJ. Is that what she’s going for? Because she looks like she’s a lab experiment gone wrong, attempting to combine Street, Punk, Pop, and Slut all into one, sticky, dirty, glittery package. Well, I guess if that’s what they were going for they succeeded…

What really bothers me is that she’s trying to present herself as a gay icon these days by releasing her single, “We R Who We R”. She states that the idea behind the song is being who you are (hurr durr durr) and not taking the shit that others put you through, and the whole thing is in response to the gay teen suicides of recent. It’s lovely that she’s letting people know that she’s supportive, but that song is not something that gay teens need to aspire towards. Sure, it’s about being yourself but, like all of her songs, it’s about needing alcohol and drugs to get there. To me this song is a thinly veiled attempt at trying to get gays to push her up to Madonna or Cher status. Please, fellow gays. Don’t. She’ll just get her glitter all over you.

I’m not singling Kesha out because I have some strange hatred for sparkly things, but this is just ridiculous. I can appreciate most pop music to a certain extent. This, however, is pure, unadulterated shit. I could take it all in stride if the lyrics weren’t so horrible. She writes them herself (surprise, surprise) and seems to be high on glue and crushed up birth control pills during the writing process.

“Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Comin out your mouth with your blah blah blah

Zip your lips like a padlock

And meet me in the back with a jack and the jukebox

Don’t really care where you live at

Just turn around boy, let me hit that

Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat

Just show me where your dick’s at.”

Simply inspiring lyrics.

Stop listening to this crap, gays! We have better taste than this, right? We have Madonna, Lady Gaga, Britney, Cher, and, to a lesser extent, Cyndi Lauper. Sure, Kesha’s music is catchy, but so is herpes.